Fuck I Said Shit....Again

So let's just get a few things straight:

I am a terrible person. I am not a terrible person in the sense that I do not lie, steal, or cheat. I am terrible at being a person. I forget to brush my teeth some nights, I forget to put on deodorant some mornings. I don't own a hair brush. I take vitamins but only because they are gummy bears, and my kid's, and he adamantly reminds me to do so every morning because he wants a gummy bear. I leave dishes in the sink (not covered in food, ask any previous roommate, I hate that.) I don't wear matching socks unless I just bought them. I forget everything, even really important experiences but that will be in another bulletin. I cuss too much, I smoke even though I know it is awful. I yell. I drink, not in excess but I know it is bad for me and still do it.

I am a horrible driver. Like really. I have had four accidents in four years. My insurance is out the wazoo. I drove literally 100's of thousands of miles, and never had a single accident before I got pregnant. Now that I have the most precious screaming cargo anyone could ever have the responsibility to carry, I bang into inanimate objects like a ping pong ball.

I am an awful mother. Being a single mom sucks, I don't care who you are. I don't vaccinate on a regular schedule and, because of recent law changes, I can't vaccinate at all unless I do them all at once so my son and avoid the doctor like we are felons on the run. My kid eats sugar even though my whole pregnancy I swore it would never grace the lips of my beloved with its sweat temptation of evil. I also yell. I come from a long line of yellers, and I'm no Freud, blaming my whole life on the fact that my mom was too strict potty training, but here I am yelling my lungs out every time my 2-year-old gets the milk out of the fridge and dumps the $5 half gallon on the floor....Jesus, I just wanted to pee in peace little man.

I have a terrible diet. I spent my youthier-youth spreading the gospel of organic food, no sugar diets, the dangers of juicing and the importance of proper food combination for excellent gut health, now here I am in my duh...duh...duh... late 20s and my son and I had cold, left over pizza for breakfast before shooting out the door in a furry. Yea, he had a muffin for dessert. We all need our 8am dessert, right? That's a thing, right?

I forget everything. I mean, everything. I forget people, names and faces. I used to say, "I may forget your name, but I never forget a face!" Sadly, I realized this was a lie after being told by some chick in New York named Critter that I had reached my hand out every weekend all summer long to shake hers and introduce myself. Apparently people just aren't that rememberable.

I also make up words.

I am a terrible person, but I am a good mind, with a solid heart, full of hope, courage and determination. So if you hate terrible people, good for you golden god or goddess of perfection. Please, and really I mean it, feel free to pick my life apart in the comments below and maybe your criticism will succeed where all others have failed, and you may be the one to get my life together. If you too are a terrible person, grab a glass of wine and whine with me.

P.S. I have terrible grammar.