Thursday, October 19, 2017

That Single Mother Struggle

I am mentally, physically, and emotionally, (also cough financially) exhausted.

Don't get me wrong, my spirits are high, my home is clean, my bills are paid and my son and I are flourishing. Honestly, life is better than it has been in quite a while- luxurious in our own way if you will. 

But I am still tired.

I am tired because I'm a single mom.

I am tired because I have to remember when the water bill is due, when the gas is due, when the insurance is due, and the car payment (we aren't talking about having the money, though that is also solely my responsibility), just the mental of knowing when each is due. With no reminder from a partner or spouse. I have to make every doctor appointment and research every medical decision, and then defend each one alone. I have to make each dentist appointment, and decide weather or not I care about fluoride. I have to research our water and decide if I want to drink tap or give it to my son, and since I don't, I have to remember to buy it and bring it home. I have to remember every roll of toilet paper and tooth paste, and of course all the groceries. I have to cook them, and serve them, and do all the dishes. I have to read every book and I'm the only one responsible for dropping off and picking up the kid and discussing his education. I make all the lunches. I have to brush every tooth in this house and wipe each butt, never with another person to do it. Even when I'm puking or tired or worn thin- it is always and only me. I'm solely responsible and, of course to blame, for August behavior, development, and health. I can't blame a cavity on a baby daddy with a sugar problem. I can't blame behavior issues on any one else. Psychologically and spiritually all of the weight rest on my shoulders alone. I have to research the schools and compare prices. There is no one to add their opinion, or even to over turn mine occasionally. I can't release the reigns- ever. I have to do all the discipline and play all the pretend. I have to buy all the clothes, dress all the people, wash all the clothes, fold all the clothes then rinse and of course repeat. 

And that's it.

I find every sitter and I pay to work, and to play- when I get to.

My life is a constant sacrifice.

I love it but this is real. All of this and I don't get food stamps, I don't get child support, I don't receive day care assistance, or cash assistance.I don't think most people understand the physical and psychological weight that a truly single parent has. I'm the only one that has to answer the timeless- "why don't I have a dad?" Or the classic- "can we pretend you are a daddy today." No, sorry, I don't think most people get it.

The thing is, I'm not sad about it. I'm not mad about it. I don't feel bad for myself, I love my life. But it is hard, and my brain is pushed to the max constantly. I am taking the semester off from school, and I don't feel bad about it. I have been using this time to grow as a mother, to create the home space that my son and I are desperately seeking, and most importantly to make time to be Me. A human, and individual, with thoughts and dreams and hopes, and ponderings. Making time for arts, and crafts, and reading novels.

So here here! To all of you out there, all of the beauties with the cuties trying to thrive in a world that only wants you to survive. Here here! To all the dreamers, the movers, and the shakers. Let's raise our glasses (of water, and hydrate so we don't get more wrinkles) and crash through another day ✌️

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