Shake it Mama

Well boys and girls, or no one at all, I guess my mama taught me to say, "To Whom It May Concern." That was only when we had to write tardy letters or permission slips though, and she made sure we knew how to forge her signature at a young age. It was the fucking 90's after all, no one really cared where their children were (if yours did I am sorry for you but I am sure you grew up to be one of the only 798 well adjusted adults in the entire world so, hey! Congratulations.) Any who...

To Whom It May Concern,

What the fucking fuck. All this time has gone by and the whole time I swore I would go back to writing. I felt it in my soul. I need to write. But, I never have made time for it. I guess that is what becoming an adult really is, the stark awareness that days turn into years and in the blink of an eye you are on the brink of turning thirty, your kid is in kindergarten, and you haven't updated your Blogger since he was three.

You know what is crazy though? I am still a walking force of nature, and he is still a damn sun beam, bringing life, and the destruction of pure gamma rays, simultaneously. He just weighs a lot more. And got his first hair cut. And has not lost a tooth. And can sound words out. And not so secretly practices in his room saying all the horrible words from my vocabulary that I so subtly used this blog to justify....

So what has changed? Damn near everything else. He is big and I am small. His father has come and gone a several times each time showing up like a hurricane and leaving with equal amounts of destruction in his wake. But hey, my kid is ahead of the curve, we have both been in therapy for almost a year so, he is going to have so many healthy coping mechanisms that when Johnny Jackoff with his perfect family hits 22, becomes a raging frat boy at ECU, and threatens to run his car into Chic-Fil-A over Betty Boopedhisfriends, my boy, my boy, will be like the wise old owl, expressing his feelings while maintaining healthy boundaries. So fuck you Judging Judy.

Also, I of all people, fell in love. Like in big love. Like in grown up love. Like with a real man who also has boundaries and expresses his feelings. Its a pretty damn neat thing. And I got a perm but don't you go copying me. I just read some dumb article that's proclaimed perms to be the big new thing of 2020. Guess what I don't want to look like other people that's why I got a damn perm, I thought no one liked them. Apparently I need to read more teen magazines.


I also quit being a stripper. Then started again...Then quit again...then started again....quit...start....quit... Well where am in the mix of it now? Hmm, guess you'll never know. Not that it matters. (I'm sure the suspence of it all is killing you inside)

I also got a good jump into my career. After desperately jumping from one lowend Italian place, to another family run hibachi joint, to a members only day shift grandpa bar, I finally got a job at a real bar. A bougie bar. Where I got the freedom to become an artist with my work again. I got reaquainted with my herbs. My tinctures. My TEAS. The healthy things that I loved and brought me joy and passion (also of course whiskey but thats healthy in moderation too, at least in my opinion.) And it has fully reinspired a part of me I lost in the shake of all this: the unbroken part of me from before motherhood, before my son's dad becoming a raging addict and broke my heart, before I knew true loss and grief. This child in me knew only of the beauty of the sunlight dancing on a leaf, the amazing way cumulous clouds turned to animals and pranced across the sky, and the delight of a garden with her grandmother. The ruff mints, and fresh lemon balms, the rich and bitter lavenders, and the sweet stevias. And when she awoke I found a new part of me that I craved to share with the world and, most importantly as you know, my son.

I do hope that though I may be brash, ruff around the edges, and completely lost in this world of parenthood, that I instill the love of this world and the beautiful plants and animals on it within him. I hope he takes from me our long walk through the woods, the warm earthy chamomile teas when he cant sleep, the sweet orange when he feels blue. I hope I teach him to love and take care of himself harmoniously with out great Earth.

Also my car keeps breaking down (I also wrecked the one I had before if I ever mentioned it. The "grown up one?" Yeah, fucked it allll up)

I also did the Keto diet for 1 month(ish) and made amazing food:

Tuna stuffed mushrooms

Ahi tuna
keto Dijon mustard
coconut aminos
red pepper flakes
garlic powder
wasabi powder
dash of plain yogurt

Food Process that shit

baby bellas
soaked in olive oil
stuffed with cream cheese
topped with tuna mix

air fry at 400 for, I dunno 5 mins

Yum

Youre welcome bitches

And several other food but I really liked that one. If you know any others you should send them to me, just saying.

Anyways, all I want to do is keep writing. I swear I could go on forever. It is 11:50pm and I actually didn't have to work tonight. I could got to bed early a really sleep but I feel restless. I feel so odd. I haven't had this much giddy up in I dunno how long, but someone is sleeping on the couch in the living room, kiddo's in his room, lover is in our room, so I don't really have anywhere to go.

So, whatever, I spare you the rambling of my spilling heart.

XOXOXO